Lullaby
by Reykja
Summary: A Hidan X You'll have to guess yourself one shot done for a challenge. Slightly cracky, full of profanity. A different take on a potential future life.


_Challenge given to me by Victoria Levi_

_Use the song Sharon Lois and Bram's Elephant Show, season 3 intro. (I hate you so much for this :P)_

_Pair: any, but their names are not allowed to be mentioned anywhere._

_Other criteria: Must have one death and one birth. They don't have to be related or part of the main story. Turn this crack into non crack._

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_Ok, so this ended up being a bit of a crazy one shot - here are my notes before you get going:_

_It's pretty obvious the male character is Hidan, so I'll publish that info happily... but I'll keep the female's name quiet. Please leave your guesses in reviews and I'll let you know if you're right or not! ;) It's only fair seeing as I went through so much pain listening to that song over and over while writing this...so excuse the mild crackiness, it was difficult material to work with. :P_

_Oh, and if you're extra adventurous, have a go at guessing who died. ;)_

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"What the _fuck_ is this shit!?"

The voice was hushed. "The baby likes it, leave it on."

"I don't want my kid to end up retarded! Now seriously, what is this shit? I'm turning it off!"

"If you touch that dial, you'll be doing the graveyard shift for a week; with no help from me. That includes changing diapers and feeding time." An invisible glare crossed the room.

The first voice was suitably chastised; the figure belonging to it sat down in the darkness next to the young woman with the baby. "So why the fuck is it dark in here?"

The woman smiled. He was incorrigible. "I told you, he likes it."

She leaned her head on the man's broad shoulder, kissing it softly as he wrapped his arm around her. "Shit, he's gonna end up all slimy and creepy, singing weird kid songs and luring people to him in the dark; just like that Orochimaru guy. Yuck, it gives me the creeps just thinking about it."

The man peered at the tiny bundle lying nestled at the woman's breast, breathing softly and peacefully. "I thought you'd have liked seeing your son become an elite killer?" the woman teased.

"Yeah, but there are limits! Whether or not he chooses to follow Jashin is one thing, but I'm having no kid of mine end up disturbed like that sick fuck! No way. He's going to be a handsome devil, irresistible to the ladies, just like his dad."

The woman giggled. He pulled her chin up and kissed her deeply. Man, he was horny. His lips caressed her cheek, moving down to her neck; he heard her sigh softly. He smiled. This was more like it. He took her right earlobe between his teeth and bit harder than he needed to, but not hard enough to cause any real pain. She gasped. "What say we take this show on the road to the bedroom, little lady?" he whispered.

He felt her pull away as she put a hand to his cheek. "Baby, I just got him to sleep... I don't want to risk waking him again. He's been crying all night."

He sighed deeply and perhaps more audibly than necessary. That damned kid had been nothing but trouble ever since he'd been born. He kissed the woman on the forehead, pulling her to him again. "Yeah, yeah. Damned kid. He better fucking make it up to me when he gets older."

The man felt the woman's hand on his chest, stroking it gently. He pushed her hand away grumpily. "Pfft, don't bother. The mood's gone anyway."

His partner rolled her eyes, well aware that this action wouldn't be seen and therefore would pass unnoticed. "I saw that."

She tensed. "....saw...what?"

"I don't know exactly what, but you were mocking me woman, I can tell!"

The eyes rolled once more, concealed in the shadows. He really was stroppy, this one. She nestled closer, pushing the baby into the man's lap and rested her head on his shoulder again.

"It's amazing he doesn't wake up with all your shouting and cursing... I don't know what we'll do when he starts picking up your vocabulary. They probably won't even accept him at the Academy because of his bad influence on the other students," she teased.

"They damn well fucking better accept him! Or there'll be a lot more sacrifices on the menu for those Konoha bitches!" he replied, a tinge of haughtiness at the back of his voice. "Damned knows I've already made enough sacrifices for this kid as it is. No sleep, no sex from my woman, the pain of childbirth..."

The girl laughed. "You brought that on yourself! You didn't have to perform the ritual just because I was having a caesarean, you know."

She poked him playfully in the ribs. "Although I must admit I was impressed with how well you took it. Did it really hurt more than your usual rit?"

"Ha! Are you fucking kidding me!? It hurt like fucking hell! Kakuzu said it was probably the hormones in your blood that caused it, or because I didn't do the ritual with the intent to kill. Whatever, I don't give a fuck. If there's another one of these things," he grumbled, raising the child in the air, "I am sure as fuck not going through that again."

The two adults sat in the darkened room, lost in their own thoughts; the baby resting on the man's right arm.

"Can we turn this fucking kid's bullshit music off now? It's driving me crazy!"

He felt the woman nod this time, so he leaned over and switched the music player off. "Thank fuck for that."

The woman got up from the chair and turned the lights on. Her partner looked over his shoulder to watch her silhouette take charge in the kitchen. His eyes followed her movements, admiring her recently accentuated curves, brought on by the carrying and birth of the baby. "Geez, well I do have that to thank you for, kid... but what's the use in all that when mommy won't let daddy play with her?" he mumbled, not half-bitterly. "Mommy and daddy play? I'm gonna make myself hurl if I keep talking like that. The guys will never let me live that down." He looked down at the snuffling pink thing in his arms. "Kid, I'm not going to get soft, just cause you're taking charge around here, got that? I run this show, ya hear?"

"What did you say?" The woman peered from the kitchen, wondering if he'd spoken to her.

"Ahh nothing, just talking to the little one. You know, father-son bonding, that kinda shit."

The woman smiled. She approached her silver haired man from behind, leaning over him so her breasts rested gently on his head as she took the baby from him. "Nooo, don't move away," he whined as she walked over to the cot to lay the baby down for what she hoped was the rest of the night.

"C'mere!" he ordered as he lay back on the couch and opened his arms. "It's my turn for some attention!" He sighed contentedly, gazing as she approached him. Yes, motherhood definitely suited her. Her hair had grown longer and had a new lustre to it; her hips broader, her breasts more full... He had to find a way to get around this fuck of a dry spot though; he was dying for a fuck and had waited patiently for two months already. Two minutes was his standard acceptable waiting time, and if he wasn't immortal he would be convinced the lack of action was killing him.

The woman lay down on the sofa on top of him, kissing his neck softly as he wrapped his arms around her. This was much better. Not perfect, but better. Fuck you kiddy, she's mine again now!

There was a knock on the door.

"-the fuck!? Don't answer it!"

He cursed his bad luck, had he not been such a hard ass, he would have cried.

"No, I have to get it, it might be important."

The man tried to hold her back and keep her in his arms, but she gave him a deadly serious glare with a promise of serious pain, so he let go. "And no sulking!"

He muttered to himself as she went to open the door. " 'No sulking!' whine, nag, moan! 'It looks childish and doesn't suit a grown man like you', nag, nag, nag!"

Peering over the edge of the sofa he could see a man at the door with a trademark ANBU mask covering his face. This wasn't going to be good news.

"....is dead. I'm sorry." was all the silver haired ninja could catch. He sat up abruptly on the couch and saw the woman's eyes widen, her hands covering her mouth before collapsing on the floor in a flood of tears and fits of sobbing.

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_On your marks, get set, go! Lemme hear your guesses! _


End file.
